I am no stranger to burnout. I’ve had to battle it throughout many seasons of my life; from graduate school, to work, and now into motherhood.
Motherhood is an especially tricky time to fight burnout because there is no quitting. This job title is here to stay. So when I started feeling burned out in the middle of summer, I knew I needed to do something different.
For me, burnout looks like physical and mental exhaustion, feeling defeated before the day even gets started, and losing interest in even the funny and cute things my kids do. My battle with burnout is a constant work in progress, but I am slowly learning what I need to help combat it.
Here are some things I have realized about burnout:
First, although it feels like purely an individual problem, it is also systemic.
There is too much demand on mothers. It is normal to feel burned out when in a situation with constant, and continuous demands with no relief. Gone are the days when raising kids was done by a true village of people. Nowadays, if you have the help of a nearby relative you are considered lucky.
Second, society tells us we need constant self care.
We are told that if we take the bubble bath, practice yoga, and perform daily morning meditations our burnout would be managed. But to me, those are more things to add to my “to-do” list which will only augment the problem. So, purchasing a $30 candle is not the cure (although, I do love a nice lavender scent).
For me, I need a solid half day chunk of alone time, ideally once a week. Lately, that has taken the form of paying a sitter to watch my kids for a for a morning so I can do things I want to do. Whether it be exercising, spending some time with friends, or going for long walk by myself in nature; the activity is not as important as the time away to do what I want to do in that moment. I am aware of the privileged position I am into even have this option to pay for my break. I wish I had family close by, but since I don’t, I am lucky to be able to pay for some support.
I had to get over the thought that I was being “self-indulgent.” I’ve come to realize that by taking care of myself, I become a better caretaker for my family. After getting the reboot I need, I am more present, cheerful, and ready to play with my kids. Being a present and healthy caretaker for my family is what I value most.
Taking a break to help prevent burnout sounds simple, but asking for help and identifying what I needed was hard. I somehow internalized that wanting a break from my kids means I am not a “good mom.” I also internalized that asking for help means that I am “inadequate.” I continuously must correct my thinking. I love my kids and I need a break from them sometimes. I am doing a great job and it is okay ask for help. It would be a whole lot easier if the solution was just a bubble bath or a lavender scented candle.
So, if you are reading this and you feel exhausted, defeated, and burned out, start by asking yourself what would you like for someone to give you?
For me it was a break. That is what I need to avoid burnout and be the mom I want to be.
I am still struggling to get the breaks when I need them. Sometimes, I don’t plan enough in advance. Sometimes, I still feel guilty and continue to push without pacing myself. But when I think about how I am a better mom when I have a break, I remember to make them a priority.
Motherhood burnout is not our fault, but unfortunately it is up to us to solve it. The solution for me may not be the same for you, but let this be the permission you need to prioritize yourself; however that may look for you.