I will admit, I am not a big TV fan, and I am even less of a reality TV fan. But, there I was, one day scrolling through Facebook and reading about Khloe Kardashian and getting really angry. She didn’t actually do anything–except for be honest about motherhood–and the internet was roasting her for it.
I think she was commenting about her decision to use formula after breastfeeding was an issue, and she caught all kinds of flack. It literally made me feel like smoke was coming from my ears. Sadly we know that bullying among children is on the rise. But, have you also noticed another upsetting trend? It’s called shaming, and it’s happening far too often to moms. Whether online, in-person or behind someone’s back, mommy shaming is real.
Do these sound familiar?
“I can’t believe she is still breastfeeding her child.”
“She put her child on formula immediately–she didn’t even try.”
“She picks her baby up every time they cry–that baby is going to be spoiled.”
“She doesn’t pick her baby up whenever they cry–that baby is going to have issues.”
You name it, it seems like people are talking and judging everything. My favorite (not really) is “you didn’t have a natural birth because of x, y, or z.” Someone actually said this to me because I chose to get induced. The comment was along the lines of, “when you have real labor the contractions are much different.” Excuse me, real labor? Just because I was induced it wasn’t real labor or natural? This is absurd.
While in some instances these comments are accompanied in the form of unsolicited “advice” what is often heard is the judgmental preface. And sometimes, the comments are just meant to be flat out judgy. But here’s the thing, you never know what someone else is walking through at the time you make these statements.
Someone could have been battling infertility for years, and you’ve snarked their birth isn’t natural because they chose an epidural. Cuddling their baby constantly may be the only thing that keeps them at peace because their personal life is crumbling. There are a million reasons for giving formula or breastfeeding, all of them are personal decisions. Some decisions don’t even have a backstory. They are just personal decisions a mom may choose to make. Decisions that should not be judged, especially by someone unfamiliar with the circumstances.
Figuring out, and getting through, motherhood is hard enough as it is. Comments from others on your performance, or lack thereof, can be downright hurtful sometimes. In a world where we are increasingly sharing more of our personal lives, especially online, it is easy to judge others by something they post or say. Even if the comment never gets back to the mom who posted, when it leaves our mouth (or our keyboard) it gets put in the atmosphere. We have cast judgment on a snippet of someone’s life without ever knowing their story.
Rather than jumping to judgment, let’s try to jump to encouragement. Sometimes we honestly may not have something encouraging to say. Or we think what we’re saying is encouraging. I’ve learned to try and replay things in my head before saying them. If I have a question on how it may in interpreted I just keep it to myself. Motherhood can be rough, the last thing we need is to constantly think about someone judging our performance. One of my favorite quotes applies here:
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Let’s band together to uplift rather than shame.
