My Struggle with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety


All I have ever wanted was to be a mother. It’s always been my greatest dream. I would never expect every woman to feel the way I do about motherhood, and every woman has a right to determine whether becoming a mother is the best choice for her life. However, I’ve always been certain that I wanted a child. I have dreams of excelling in my career, having an impact on people’s lives, and for my own personal growth, but raising a child and giving that child all of my love is all that I had ever hoped for. 

The day that I found out I was pregnant, my emotions quickly went from disbelief to elation, and I was over the moon and so excited I was finally having a child of my own. While I was incredibly grateful for this perfect little being that I was going to give birth to, other feelings unexpectedly appeared. Feelings that I couldn’t quite understand.

Anxiety and depression have been things I have tackled over the years but mostly had under control … or so I thought, but this felt different. I’m not sure if it felt different because I was carrying this little life in my body and felt an immense responsibility to that life, but by my third trimester, everything started getting a bit harder.

As the weeks went by, I felt more and more alone, defeated, and hopeless. I often thought to myself that I couldn’t get anything right and I just didn’t belong. With the help of being on leave from work due to complications with my pregnancy, I became more reclusive and a shadow of the person that I was when I first found out I was pregnant. I loved my baby so very much, but I didn’t love my life or myself.

Once my baby was born, I immediately cried tears of joy. His full head of hair, tiny fingers and toes, and kissable cheeks filled my heart with so much love. Love that I’ve never felt before. I’m still in awe of my child and how amazing he is, but my complicated feelings continue to linger.

I’ve tried my best to put on a brave face when I’m out and about in the world and find distractions that only pull me deeper into my sadness, anxiety, and confusion. I often look at my son, and I ask myself how I could possibly be so unhappy when I have this beautiful, funny, sweet child who wants to be around me every minute of the day. I’m incredibly lucky to be so loved by him and witness his laughter, smiles, wobbly new dance moves, and loving kisses. He deserves the very best in life, and I now know that he also deserves a mom that is happy and healthy. 

I’ve recently come to the realization that my daily tears, sporadic panic attacks, and occasional struggles to get out of bed are further damaging to myself and not helpful to my family. Being honest about my feelings (which has always been a weakness of mine) with my husband and a few trustworthy friends has opened my eyes and shown me that I can get better. I can take small steps each day to give my family a better version of myself. I can be happier again. I can. 

Are you struggling with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety? What has your experience been like?


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