When I found out I was pregnant with my second child there were a couple of things I immediately assumed would be true: morning sickness would only last the first trimester, I would crave French fries and Kraft Mac and Cheese, and would have another girl.
Well, you know what they say about assuming…
My husband and I found out the sex of our second child, in front of our friends and family, and I was immediately thrilled by his reaction. His entire face lit up and pride beamed across the room. I laughed and cheered along with the party, but inside something very different from elation was taking hold. I excused myself and made my way to my bedroom where I retreated into a slight panic.
Boy. Boy. I am having a BOY.
Truthfully, I was not hugely surprised by the news, as you know from my bump diaries, this pregnancy has been night and day from my last. So, I always had a hunch there was a little guy growing in there, but the ultrasound confirmation still came as a shock.
And in complete and total honesty, I was disappointed.
As most women do, I had envisioned what my future family would look like and it always included two little girls, close in age; playing Barbie, sharing secrets and clothes. My own sister and I are only twenty-one months apart and while we can battle like none other, we have a bond that will carry us for the rest of our lives. She is my person. The ying to my yang. We are the “Witt Sisters.” I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it. I thought my daughter would have the same with her own little sister.
And I grieved for this loss.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly excited to have a healthy baby boy in a couple of months, but I still find myself a bit surprised by it. Having not grown up with a brother in the house (my brother Jared is 14 years younger and lives in Houston), I am a bit lost on the dynamics they bring to the household. I am entrenched in all things girl right now: Disney princesses, dress-up clothes, playing house, all things pink and sparkly and overly dramatic. I am totally lost when shopping for boy toys. And their clothes, they are just not as cute as girls.
Up until a few weeks ago, I had not bought my poor boy a single thing. No new clothes hung in his closet, no sweet snugly bear awaited his crib. While some of this can simply be attributed to second child syndrome, deep down I know it was because every time I ventured into the children’s section my eyes and heart immediately fluttered at the sight of the spring dresses awaiting and completely skipped past the boys. When asked what my nursery theme for this baby was going to be, I either made something up, stammered “woodland-ish” or said we had not decided.
Truthfully, I hadn’t even thought about it.
I began to wonder if I was the only person who felt the twinges of disappointment over the sex of their unborn. If you Google “gender disappointment” a slew of articles pop up stressing how very real and natural it is. However, I have rarely, maybe once or twice, openly discussed the topic with another mom. I hope that my admission helps change this.
I know that I will love and adore my son, I already do, but a small part of me is still sad that there will be no Big Sis/Little Sis in my house. I miss the brown-eyed beauties I imagined hosting tea parties in the yard.
However, as I navigate the final months of my pregnancy, I am making new dreams for my family. I can start to see the outlines of a girl and a boy running hand in hand through the sprinkler, or hear the laughter of my daughter as she dresses her little brother up in a princess gown for the first time.
I know these two will have a bond I simply cannot imagine yet. I am so looking forward to seeing how it grows.
i could have written this about myself!! Only my son is our first. 11 months in and I cannot imagine it any other way!!!! He is the best. I even sometimes want another boy for the 2nd!
Amy, I am glad you enjoyed it 🙂
I experienced the same thing only it was my third I had this reaction to.
My first is a daughter and 19 months later I had a boy. We decided we were done because I had preeclampsia and delivered early with both of them and like that I grieved for future kids because we were done. One boy one girl. Fast forward 2.5 years and we decided we would try for one more and immediately I was hoping it was a girl. My husband wanted a girl. I imagined all the pink dresses and cute girly bows I’d get to “do the little girl thing” one more time. My husband looked forward to the special only son relationship and another little girl just like our first. We found out early with genetic testing and were SHOCKED to find out it was a boy. Weeks, months and I’m still floored. I thought for sure it was a girl. And my image of my family was changed forever. He’s here now. Came 12 weeks early and is such a fighter we can’t imagine our family without him.
I can absolutely relate. I felt disappointed when I found out we were having a boy for our second bc I, too, had grown up with a sister who is my best friend. BUT, my little guy is such an absolute joy and I say SO OFTEN to my husband, “don’t you think we hit the jackpot by getting to have one of each?” He does everything his sissy does and thinks she hung the moon…and then she does something to make him mad and all bets are off. They are already best friends and watching their relationship develop is just as special as it would have been had he been a girl. You are not alone. Just know that it will pass. Maybe not until you hold him for the first time, maybe not until he starts walking or talking, but it WILL pass. Congrats and enjoy. Because they are different and different is so good.
Hali, thank you for your comment. The closer we get to the the due date, the more excited I become about all things boyish, but it still feels so foreign to me. I know my daughter will love her little brother so much and can’t wait to see them together.
Thank you for posting about this sensitive subject. I always envisioned myself as a “boy mom”. After finding out the gender of our baby in front of friends and family at a party, I was devastated on the inside but smiled for the remainder of the party. The next week i grieved the loss of little league, ninja turtles and grass stains. I know what it is like to grow up as a girl. It’s hard. I didn’t want that for my child. How will I instill a sense of self worth when the media is so hard on body image these days? How will I give her advice on “girly” things when I myself am not so girly? She is 6 weeks old and I am madly in love with her, but I still carry these fears in the back of my head. Do they consume my every thought? No! Am I happy to be a “girl” mom? Yes! But that doesn’t change the very real and very hard week that followed our gender reveal. Thank you again for sharing.
Amanda, thank you so much for commenting! I had those same fears when we found out we were having a daughter and at three years old, I can say I still worry about her self worth and will always do so. The fact that you are so aware only goes to show that you are a wonderful mother. Your little girl will grow up being confident in who she is because of it. Bravo, mama.
Knowing my second pregnancy would be my last, it didn’t matter to me which gender our baby turned out to be. Either way I was going to be thrilled that our 6 year old girl had a baby sister or that my husband had the baby boy he dreamed of. I never expected to be so sad at the finality of it all. I LOVE my baby boy who is 8 months old now. But boy am I tired of all the people who say “lucky – you have one of each!” Or to my oldest child “don’t you love your little brother? You don’t have to share toys or makeup or worry about him taking your stuff!” As if having a baby sister would be a punishment instead of a forever friendship! I imagined a second little girl with all the same features as my first. A little mini-version of my oldest! And I envisioned how different their personalities would be like so many of my friends with same gender siblings. So when we found out the second was a boy, (just like you) I was thrilled for my husband but died a little inside knowing that I would never have that tiny little mini version of my Emma. I thought I was the only one who struggled with grieving over something I never even had! Now know that having a little boy better than I could have imagined. But every once in a while that “what if” creeps up in my mind ……. Thanks for this post.
I have an older son and I always wanted a daughter. We just had another son almost a year ago. They are incredible together. You will fall in love with whichever child you have, but I still want a daughter. My husband always wanted a third, but I have tough pregnancies so I was hoping to be done with two. Now, my husband might get his wish for a third. If it’s another boy, I will be disappointed that I didn’t get to have the best friend daughter that I’ve always wanted but I will love him so much that it won’t really matter. Our family will just grow and be what we are meant to be. Sometimes our ideals don’t become reality and what we get is actually better than what would have happened if we had gotten what we wanted. And there does need to be some serious cuteness improvements for boy’s stuff! Lol, the little man ties are pretty much the best they offer at this point. Good luck and enjoy having a little man who will think his mom is absolutely perfect in every way!
My mom is one of five girls (no boys) and I am one of four girls (no boys). I always envisioned having daughters even though I am definitely not a girly girl. When I found out I was pregnant I immediately told myself it was a boy so I would not be devastated if it wasn’t a girl. It made the reveal much easier and I’ve come to realize I’m better suited to raise boys (I’m no tomboy but I love exploring the creek and only wear makeup on special occasions). There is still a pain in my heart every time I see those cute dresses (why are boy clothes so terrible??) and I am trying to postpone my son’s interest in superheroes, monsters, knights, and other “boy” stuff… But I love my one and a half year old son more than anything (though hopefully the next one is a girl!).
I can so relate to this. I always saw myself having a daughter, and when Will was born it took me a while to get my head around the idea of having a son. But after a while your child stops being a boy or girl and turns into just your child. No matter what your family looks like, you’ll wonder what it would have been like if things were different. That doesn’t mean you don’t love the family you have.
For what it’s worth, my brother and I have the same age gap as your two will, and we have a great relationship. Not the same as I imagine it would be with a sister, but still pretty good. It’s good for boys to have a big sister to boss them around. 🙂
Marian, I love the line “after a while your child stops being a boy or girl and turns into just your child.” I feared that people would think me ungrateful if I wrote about this subject, and I am sure some do, but it was/is so strange for me to imagine a little boy in my house. Nora will totally have a field day with the bossing around 🙂
I was “team green” and didn’t find out the sex until the baby was born. But somehow I convinced myself it was a boy. Strangers on the street would even say boy. And when I found out it was a girl, I was just confused. I don’t like girly things and 4 years later I still don’t think I’m mentally prepared lol.
So this blog was so timely for me as we found out our second will be a boy at our ultrasound on Monday. Most of my friends and family knew we were praying for a little sister for my daughter and even though I wanted to be excited, I felt deeply sad and disappointed to realize she would have a baby brother. I grew up in a home with two younger brothers and no sister and sadly we have little to no sibling relationship when it comes to the bonding sense of the word. I love them but we are not close. Anyways I shared this blog and you would not believe some of the hateful and nasty comments I received, about how badly my son would know to hear I was at first disappointed and how some people can’t have kids so I should just be grateful or just get over it. I shared my experience in a pregnancy group and got loads of support and people who could relate but most were afraid to admit it publicly for fear of similar backlash. I have been allowing myself time to grieve and cry and feel my emotions and it’s not like you can deny your hormones if you wanted to! I don’t believe in faking it and I am sad that my daughter won’t have a sister close in age. I’m also shocked and just appalled at some of the rude comments I’ve gotten (mostly from distant family members)! Social media is apparently an outlet to be completely ugly to pregnant and emotional women! I hope you don’t experience any of that!
I, like you, suspected that my little bean was a boy. When his gender was confirmed, I can’t say I was disappointed, but I definitely had concerns. I worried about not being able to bond with him in the same way I might bond with a daughter. I worried that I would not be able to relate to him on a level that his father would. 6 years have passed and let me tell you that being the mother of a little boy is the greatest blessing! My son and I share a bond that takes my breath away on a daily basis. He is fiercely protective over his mama. Every night he throws his little arms around my neck, smothers me in kisses, and tells me that I am his princess and that he is going to marry me one day. Boy’s clothes may not be as fun (although he had some adorably preppy ensembles!), but I am so thankful that I am not having to deal with the endless wardrobe changes that some of my friends with girls are experiencing. We are thinking of trying for another and I’m secretly hoping I will have another boy (not that I will love a little girl any less – I’m just somewhat biased). You are so blessed that you are getting to experience both. Enjoy every second!