“Oh, I can’t have you over,” other moms always say. “My house is a mess.” I arrive for a play date and as soon as I come in the door, I’m told, “Don’t judge me, the house is a wreck. No, seriously, it’s destroyed. Please don’t look. I’m so embarrassed.”
Lies. Lies, lies, lies.
Because when I go into that house, the house of the mom who is so apologetic about the condition of her kitchen, or the toys in her living room, or the invisible dirt in her bathroom, I can’t decide if I want to laugh in her face or deck her.
Girl. Please. Not only is your house not messy, your house is immaculate. You have guest towels laid out. Your children’s spilled toys remain confined to a rug – which, by the way, is not sprinkled with crumbs. Sippy cups stay in the kitchen. Playdough dare not enter here, and the dog doesn’t shed. Insisting your house is dirty speaks to clinical delusion, your misunderstanding of small children, your secret desire to make me feel guilty, or maybe your desperate need for reassurance. Probably all of the above. Seriously, stop it.
So for all of you mamas insisting your immaculate house is messy, and all of you normal mamas therefore afraid to have anyone come into your house ever, because that level of clean is just not achievable due to kids/time/dogs/life/constant art projects, let’s set some guidelines. You can either have a sense of shame or small children, and I’ve got three boys under five. So I’ll spill it.
Normal: There is a room in your house that always stays cluttered and messy, and much like Lady MacBeth’s hands, will never be clean. In my house, it’s the dining room, furnished with my great-grandmother’s cherry dining suite, including buffet and china cabinet. I sew on the table, store art supplies in and around and between the hunt board and the wine rack – remember when the Harbison AC Moore went out of business? Yeah, it relocated to my dining room – stash file cabinets in available floor space, dry glitter art next to the sewing machine, and sometimes set up train tracks under the table. None of that gorgeous cherry is currently visible. I neaten this room for birthdays and holidays requiring fine china. Otherwise, you aren’t allowed to see it, Judgy McJudgerson.
Normal: Your laundry is everywhere. Current house tally: five clean baskets in the laundry room (blocking the auxiliary fridge and probably creating a certifiable fire hazard). One clean basket in the master bedroom. A clean load in the dryer and one in the washer. There is no basket of dirty clothes anywhere. Therefore we’re this week’s laundry heroes! Will those clean baskets make it to folding, or even more daunting, into drawers? Maybe. I’m feeling it lately. But a relative of mine, who shall not be named, once had to hide her kids’ Christmas present – a pet snake – from all the kids and her husband for two weeks. She stashed it under the laundry baskets in her bedroom. The secret kept. She’s the all-time laundry hero, ladies.
Normal: Your sink is full of dishes, your dishwasher is full of dishes, your table and counter are full of dishes, and you can’t find a clean spoon. So you use a teaspoon for your cereal. When you get to the giant soup spoon or worse, start to contemplate that spikey grapefruit spoon at the bottom of the silverware drawer, then you need to do a load. But only enough that the kids have plates for lunch.
Normal: Your kids’ bath toys are right where they left them after the bathwater drained. Don’t pull that shower curtain shut. We know what’s behind it.
Normal: Some type or types of toys are scattered all over the house and no matter how hard you try, or what bribes you offer, or what god you pray to, you never get every piece picked up. True story: I have found those stupid ball-pit balls in my washer, my front yard, and stuffed between carseats. We have the same problem with duplos, which I confiscated on really tenuous grounds, and Star Wars figures. If I come over to your house and notice plastic army men in the space behind your toilet, I’m not judging.
Normal: Cups and cups and cups. Everywhere. All the time. Somehow we didn’t perish of dehydration in the 80’s when my mother wouldn’t let us out of the kitchen with a Tupperware sippy of Kool-Aid. But it’s 2014, and my kids will shrivel into complaining oblivion without a cup of juice at all times. Except they leave them everywhere, and then get a new one. They now hold up drinks and ask, “Is this good, Mama?” before taking a swig. So do yours. Don’t lie.
Normal: Art Damage. My bath tub has some hopefully/maybe/eventually will fade tie-dye stains. I need to repaint part of the kitchen wall, because who let her toddlers use her acrylics? This mama! At the very least, your toddler took a pen to the wall and you haven’t had time to magic erase it yet.
Normal: You can’t see the floor of your car. Where else are you supposed to toss all those Chick-fil-A cups? Or the spare diapers? Or the dirty sippy cups? Seriously. Your husband probably complains about it.
Normal: You forgot trash day again. So your supercan’s overflowing and your recycling bin looks like a seriously committed alcoholic lives at your address, but really you just forgot garbage day two weeks in a row. It’s cool. As long as you got the trash out of the house, you’re a garbage day winner! High-five!
Normal: You have not dusted. Perhaps ever, or at least since your parents last visited. I think I maybe own Pledge? Somewhere? Don’t look at the upper bookshelves, especially if you suffer from allergies.
Normal: Some part of your house is in do-not-use disrepair, and has been for longer than you would publicly admit. My oldest son has never seen us use the shower in our master bath. He’s four. We need to replace the tile and just haven’t managed somehow. I thought this was a horrible, abnormal, horrific shame until, in flagrant disregard for social mores, I mentioned this to other mothers. Two of them copped to unusable bathrooms. One mentioned a deck with holes. Another has to warn visitors not to attempt the front stairs. I salute you, my sisters in disorder.
So there you have it. Either your house is really, really clean, and you should stop apologizing, or at the very least you can stop your shame and host playdates for once. We’re all in the same boat. I won’t look in your dining room if you don’t look in mine.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I honestly thought I was the only one who lived like this. I live in a constant state of frustration and ashamed ness at living like this but how the hell are we supposed to get everything done all the time!
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I. Love. You.
Thank you!!
I struggle with this all the time. My apartment is rarely sparkling clean, but when I host playdates or have company for any reason, I always stress and freak about cleanliness and go on a cleaning rampage. One one hand, it allows me to keep a clean house on a somewhat regular basis, but on the other hand, it does get super stressful on me and therefore on everyone else I live with. 😉 A nice balance would be wonderful if I could only figure out a way!
I work 40+ hours a week, my husband works 40+ hours a week we have 4 kids (2yr, 9yr, 11 & 11) If my kids are fed and clean We have done our job… Is my house clean enough for my grandmother to stop by oh absolutely not… but I reassure myself that the kids have fully bellies, clean clothes, good grades, and we have a lot of family laughs
This article describes my home and my better half perfectly. Truth of the matter is she has ADHD. Her spontaneous and creative nature is one of the reasons I fell in love with her. I too have ADD which is why I believe we have managed to stay married for almost 8 year. We understand each other. The issue we both now face is that we now have two sweet little boys who we are trying to teach good habits. The reality is every now and then our home is clean and organized and when that happens we both are happier. It is easier to find things and the anxiety of having a seemingly endless amount of boring and mundane chores to do is gone. If you are in the same boat as us and many who have commented her I would encourage you to learn about ADD/ADHD. You would learn that there is nothing wrong with you and you are just different. Boring tasks such as chores are actually physically difficult due to the lack of mental stimulation. Please don’t look down on each other over what level of “organized” you are a at. “Normal” is a very subjective word.
Thankyou for mentioning the ADHD/ADD. And thank you Elizabeth for the great article. Something only this last commenter seems to have mentioned is the difference in how people’s brains are wired, as though keeping things organized is simply a moral issue. For those to whom organization comes naturally, keeping house seems easy although with some physical labor involved, and they cannot fathom how staying organized might overwhelm someone else. I was touched by how many comments mentioned no longer feeling alone. I have a hard time believing that the tidy housekeepers really relate to that. While we should drop the “neat freak” name-calling, I have trouble imagining those who don’t struggle with housework are really being criticised and shamed the way those who struggle with it are. There is a reason groups like Sidetracked Home Executives and Flylady.net have a following. Some of us need a support group, for all sorts of reasons. Some struggle with organization the way others struggle with math; or there are health issues that are not always visible like ms, lupus, thyroid problems, chronic fatigue, etc. Low energy just means you can’t get it all done, especially when you factor in work, children of all ages, husbands, etc. I agree what we need above all else is compassion and support for one another, not more comparison and judging. It was a great, humorous article – really hit home!
Oh, glory! Yes, yes, and yes!! We couldn’t use our master bath shower for 13 YEARS!! Yes, it’s true!! We discovered a leak shortly after building, and it took that long for my husband to get around to redoing it.
you forgot the stacks of mail and only paying the bills when they threaten to terminate! Loved this and if only more people thought this way, we wouldn’t have so much mom guilt running rampant!
THANK YOU for your comment.
Yes, what is easy for some people can be really difficult and discouraging for others depending on different mental and physical factors. We just have to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust that we’re all doing the best that we can.
I like the humor and sure there is truth in it. But wow are there a lot of judgmental comments! Here’s an observation which I swear isn’t judgment, just a suggestion to look at things anew. My kids and I don’t own enough clothes, toys or dishes to stack or wait. It cuts down on the clutter. Art projects and books, well yeah. My house isn’t perfect, but when you can’t afford so many things (actually not a house either, we rent), clutter isn’t a huge issue. Children aren’t a project we’ll be judged or awarded for. They are people, independent beings who need guidance to become themselves as adults, bring good to the world and live well.
Be kind, do good, love deeply, have compassion. Then clean up, or use some of the money you save on things to pay someone who needs a job to help you out.
This is one of the best things I’ve read! So funny and so very true! The whole list is true for our house. Glad to know we are not alone. Especially with cups and those darn ball-pit balls!!!