It has been so long since I’ve written. I used to write all the time. I have 17 diaries in a secret place to prove how much I love to write. However, I find that as I get older it is harder to write.
I wanted to talk about grief, and when mom is hurting. There’s this message that you need to be strong for your kids. When my dad died so many well-meaning people told me “You have to be strong for your kids!” And I heard, “Don’t cry around your kids,” and “Don’t fall apart in front of your kids.”
I’m here to say please do. There is no shame in your children seeing you as human. I have no desire to send a message to my children that mom’s heart doesn’t break; that their mom doesn’t hurt or that their mom doesn’t grieve. That’s not being strong for my kids. That’s telling them they need to hide what they’re feeling and that it isn’t human to cry outside a private corner; that it isn’t okay to break down. It’s teaching them to be ashamed of feeling anything less than joy. That isn’t the message I want to send to them.
Well, here go the waterworks!
I’ve experienced plenty of loss. For instance, I don’t ever take it well when we lose one or our pets. We had a cat that got sick and I didn’t catch it in time. That was my fault. He died on the way to vet. When I got home I broke down in the kitchen and I said it was my fault. My nine and four year-old rubbed my back and told me it would be OK, and that it wasn’t my fault. You know where they learned that kind of compassion? From me.
I’ve seen the memes going around about not traumatizing our children by depending on them for emotional support. When my children were comforting me, there was no expectation of emotional support. It was simply two kids seeing their mom hurting and trying to make her feel better.
I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I’ve scarred my kids from how easily I can cry (it’s always been justified) and I no longer feel that way. My son (the boy that he is) can be stingy about showing his feelings, but they are there. My daughters can cry and know it’s OK. They all know sometimes things hurt but they also know that things will be okay, and that’s an important lesson as well. One that I’m glad I’ve been able to show them.
I haven’t written lately because I call myself the resident heart writer. I tend to write about feelings. Well, I lost my dad a year and a half ago and now everything I do is covered with the grief I feel from losing one half of me.
There have been many times that my three stair steps, as I call them, have seen me break down over this massive loss. They’ve given me hugs, and my son, wise Obi-wan that he is, has reminded me that I have to remember good memories with my father. That’s what he holds on to. I haven’t raised my children to “toughen up” and wear a constant shield of “be strong,” therefore, they have a healthy relationship with feeling sad, and with grief.
They know it’s okay to be sad, and that some things will hurt like no other but they also know that they will come out on the other side because they’ve watched me do it.
The next time you tell a mom to be strong for her kids, I encourage you to remember what that looks like. It isn’t not falling apart in front of them. It isn’t not crying until they’re out of sight of their kids. The same way we encourage joy is the same way we have to encourage moms to be human and hurt when they need to be. No one can wear this invisible shield of armor at all time, and we shouldn’t have to.
I can promise you that my kids think I’m the strongest person they know. They know I will stand up for them, for my husband, and I will stand up for myself. I am a force to be reckoned with. But when I hurt, I won’t hide that. I’ll cry, and then I’ll pick myself up.
You can be strong and cry. Strong people cry too. You have to give yourself time to be sad sometimes, and then adjust that crown and remember who you are queens. That is what I want my kids to know.
