When it comes to S-E-X, I haven’t come across too many women who are fond of the act soon after they’ve had a baby. There are so many things that go into becoming a mother, and you’re dealing with all of them. Aside from the fact that your, erm, stuff might be sore, you’re tired, you’re EXHAUSTED, you just want to sleep (but there’s no time to sleep). Let’s just be honest: Sex takes a back seat (waaay at the back) when you have kids.
I didn’t wait the recommended six weeks after having a baby (whoops). It was more like two (whoops again). However, don’t let that fool you. I’m just like everyone else in that 9 times out of 10 (maybe 10 out of 10), I feel like “leave me alone, sheesh.”
When you have kids, you are dealing with their demands 24/7. It’s not easy. At the end of the day, in the afternoon, in the morning, whenever it’s tussling time (that’s what I call it) — the last thing you want to do is be intimate. If you have the time to have sex, chances are what you want to do is sleep, or just be left alone to breathe. ALONE.
However, there is a light at the end of any tunnel! Below are some tips and things to consider when it comes to getting your mojo back after baby.
How long has it been since delivery?
If you just had your baby six weeks ago and you aren’t feeling like you can get into the groove of it just yet, chances are you and your body aren’t ready. In this instance, I would strongly suggest just giving it more time. We all know that after we have a baby, we’re tired and exhausted and sex just isn’t high on the priority list. Give yourself time to adjust to motherhood (or maybe being a mom of 2, or 3, etc.). You’ll get there. I’m sure of it!
What medications are you on?
Please, please, please, consider any and all medications you are taking. You would be amazed at how much they can wreak havoc on your desire to be intimate. Your sex drive IS something that comes from hormones in your body! Many medications can throw those hormones off, leaving you with a lowered libido. One huge culprit is often antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications.
If you are having trouble getting your mojo back after baby, you definitely want to consider speaking with your OB-GYN or primary care physician about your concerns. Your providers can recommend a different medication so that you can help rectify the problem.
Are you in a sexual rut?
We all know that after a while anything can get boring and seem repetitive, and it is the same thing when it comes to tussling time. Sometimes all it takes is changing things up — maybe try to add some music to the mix, a new position or even a change of scenery (yes, I said change of scenery … your same old bedroom can get boring after awhile).
It may be hard to put yourself out there and take a leap, but it’s definitely worth a shot. Even if it doesn’t work, you’ll at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried something different.
Would talking to a sex therapist help?
Now, I don’t see a sex therapist, but I do speak with my therapist extensively about my lack of sex drive and how my views on sex have changed. If I had the funds, I would definitely seek the help of a sex therapist. (Actually, my college roommate IS a sex therapist and I can’t for the life of me remember her last name to get into contact with her. Nuts!)
But anyhoo, a sex therapist. This is an AWESOME option! I know we women do NOT like to talk about sex and we can be uber-private when doing so. Believe me, I sympathize because I am the same exact way, but have found opening up and sharing my feelings with a professional has helped.
Keep in mind a sex therapist is not a dirty little thing to be kept in the closet or not spoken about. It’s merely an individual who has expertise in the area of sex and is there to help. These providers can get to the root of a lot of things that may be a hindrance to you getting your mojo back.
For me, after I had my daughter, sex felt different. Almost wrong or filthy. I spoke to my therapist about it and he said that it is common for women to have trouble going from MOMMY to SEX GODDESS (that’s one way to put it!). I think he may have actually said “sexual being.” The point is, there’s no one better (as a third party) to address this type of issue.
Have you talked to your partner? Really talked?
The bottom line is sometimes you have to just “keep it real.” Tell it like it is. If something isn’t working for you, you have to let your partner know. If you don’t, your significant other CANNOT read your mind and things will never get better. (Unless your partner has psychic abilities, in which case I have a few questions.) Expecting someone to just know what you’re thinking is going to be frustrating for both of you.
You have to let your partner know what isn’t working for you, what you don’t want, what you do want, what you LIKE … these are all good topics to cover when it comes to your sex life. You two have to be on the same page for your relationship to work, and ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex.
How it works for us
Don’t judge, but my husband and I have some set rules. This just what works for us and I am NOT suggesting this for other people. Do what works for YOU.
- No back-to-back days. It’s not happening. No sir.
- The faster the better. My friends always laugh at me because I prefer sex to be quick. It’s not because I don’t enjoy it; that’s just A L W A Y S been a preference of mine. Fortunately for me, my husband doesn’t mind.
- Sex needs to happen at least three times a week. Does that mean I feel like having sex three times a week? No, it does not. But I make a deliberate choice to have sex and put myself out there sexually three times a week. I feel that it is beneficial to my husband, to our marriage for sure, and to myself.
- BIGGEST rule: Do not beg me. Sex is not a negotiation. If I don’t feel like it, leave it be. It is not the end of your penis’ world, I assure you.
As I said, these are just things that work for us and keep our sex life where it needs to be. Without these rules, we would never have sex. EVER! This is my way of holding myself accountable because let’s be honest: No one gets married to be celibate.
Motherhood is exhausting. It is stressful. It consumes you emotionally, mentally, and physically. You’re not a bad wife, or the odd woman out, because you don’t feel up to giving yourself in that way. You’re not a better wife if you have sex often or a bad wife if you hardly do it at all. At the end of the day, you have to do what works for you, your spouse, and what makes you happy.
