The holidays – that window of time in the American Calendar beginning sometime around Halloween and stretching through Valentine’s Day – are filled with opportunities to gather with friends, family, and friends that feel like family. They are a time of celebration, reflection, food, and good times. The holidays can be all of these things, and yet, in the midst of all of these blessings, you might feel like me, a bit lonely. Maybe even a lot lonely.
Why am I lonely? I’ve been separated now just over a year, divorce will happen eventually. It’s inevitable, but there is also no particular rush to make that official. My kids’ dad and I are very amicable and celebrated both Thanksgiving and Christmas together. Despite us doing our best to keep things on an even keel for our our three children, ages 15, 13, and 11, there are a so many changes to the season.
There was no joint Black Friday shopping, just a shared note between our iPhones, to keep tabs on who bought what for which kid. Many of our usual pre-holiday family times did not include all of us, due to scheduling on the adults’ part and levels of disinterest among the growing kids. There were no after-bedtime parental wrapping sessions. Just me on the floor, with three very interested and distracting cats getting in the way, and nobody to share in the hilarity and frustration.
New Years fell strangely mid-week this year, making that another challenging celebration. So much of the gaiety feels forced, to me, and I think it does, on some level, for my kids, too.
I am so fortunate, in many ways. I have friends that include me and my kids whenever possible, in their lives and celebrations. I have a job that allows me flexibility and stability. But after many years of having another adult to share in the grown-up side of creating the magic for the family (even if I as the mom have done the majority of the magic-making), the holidays have become a strange and lonely season.
It’s not just the separation and pending divorce. I think a lot of it is the natural consequences of kids growing up. They are old enough to want to hang onto much of the nostalgia and traditions we’ve created, young enough to enjoy them (or at least put on a happy face), but all of us know that these days are numbered. It casts a pall over the season, and makes it so very challenging to just live in the present. I think that I am not the only lonely one in the house, and sometimes that feels even more isolating.
It’s hard to say what the next holiday season will bring, and what changes can be made to recapture some magic.
Here are a couple things that helped this year.
Involving the kids
I asked my kids what traditions they most enjoyed and put a strong effort into making those things happen. They love the 25 Days of Christmas I began when they were babies and toddlers, so this year I made sure to continue that tradition.
Leaning on friends
We have a couple events we traditionally do with family and friends. We do Little Bethlehem in Gilbert with my family and whatever friends want to tag along. We visit the Holiday Lights on the River at Saluda Shoals with longtime family friends, and we make popcorn balls with friends that have become family to us.
Next year, I want to shift focus. Too much of what we used to do can put a strange emphasis on the things we are missing, which takes some of the festivity out of what should be a happy season.
Creating new traditions
There are more days than not when it is just the kids and I, since their dad lives further away. I focused a lot this year on keeping things the same, but next year, I want to find things to do differently. Create new memories, visit new places, try new foods.
