They say that about half of marriages end in divorce. Looking around in your forties, it seems like that number is trending higher. I have more separated and divorced friends, or friends on their second marriage, than I have friends that have been married for fifteen or more years to their first spouse. Dividing up the objects that made up your married life can be complicated enough, but figuring out what happens with the kids feels messy, and sometimes like there is no right answer.
If both parents are local and can afford to, a 50/50 split is most common. Sometimes that looks like week-on, week-off. Some families have a more complex system so that no parent has to go so long in between seeing the kids. 50/50 can even work long distance, though the logistics of that can get tricky. And most of these arrangements work best when both parents are committed to doing what’s best for the kids and can provide safe environments for them.
When my kids’ dad and I first separated, we did not go the typical route, but so much of our relationship has not been typical.
We met on eHarmony, way before smartphones or apps were a thing, when I lived in Japan and he was here in South Carolina. We brought our first child home to our own home, our second child came home with us to his parents’ where we lived for a time, and our third was brought home to my parents’ where we lived for a few years as we got back on our feet after the recession. So much of our lives hasn’t really gone as planned or what was expected. So why would separation be any different?
We decided on a nesting arrangement. This meant that kids could stay in the house, and he and I would float in and out. As he had moved outside Charlotte, NC, this meant that I was the primary parent, and two days a week he came down and stayed in the guest room and I generally stayed at my parents’ house or another local friends’. Some nesting parents get an apartment, and had our situation been more local, this may have been the way to go.
I’ll be honest, him moving out didn’t feel like it changed a lot for me. I was still the primary parent: planning, prepping and cleaning up after all the meals, arranging doctor’s appointments, transporting kids to and from school, getting kids to the doctor’s appointments. Being the mom taxi, ferrying my kids and their friends around town. To be fair, now that he was not local most of the time, his ability to step in and help more was limited.
Being the primary parent can be hard, and stressful. But it was also something I was accustomed to. Maybe it’s an oldest kid thing or Xennial trait, but asking for help and sharing the load is not something I’m particularly good at. And it is quite possible it showed rather more than I’d like it to.
Fast forward two and a half years later, we had another conversation. The kids, now 16, 14, and 13, wanted to move up to Charlotte with him. They wanted a change of scenery, a fresh start. And with both their dad and his partner working from home full time they all felt like perhaps there would be more adults available to them more often. I work a hybrid job; three days in the office, and two days at home. This means that there are times I am not home, and they are on their own.
When their dad and I had this conversation about the kids moving in with him, I got the impression that he thought I would be upset, or fight, or argue about it. I’ll admit, I was a little caught off guard, and the announcement did make me a little sad. Okay – maybe a lot sad – but I also know that my kids are of an age that I’m okay with them making this choice, and I’m mature enough to see that this could be a good thing for all of us, even me.
On some level, I think the kids (the older two at least), feel like maybe they are doing it for me. To give me the time to myself that I have never really had as a mother, and possibly I didn’t know to ask for or even want.
I’ll admit, there are parts of me that feel like I failed as a parent, that my kids want to go live with their dad. Wasn’t I enough? But I also know, deep down, that isn’t the right question. Because the kids wanting to try something different isn’t about me, not really. Very little about parenting is, or should be. It’s about them, and what’s best for their future. And right now, living with their dad is the best choice.
So what’s next? We are selling our family home. I’m looking for a place to rent, closer to work, closer to the interstate to cut down on travel time to see them. Because I will be seeing them less. I won’t be able to manage to see them as much as their dad did when we were nesting. I need to figure out how to have a long distance relationship with my kids. There is a lot of change happening very quickly. New schools, new homes, a new reality for all of us. Hopefully a better one.
