I turned 55 this year. The first five years of my 50s have been filled with many realizations and clarifying moments. One of those realizations is that the older we get, the more consumed we become with our own lives. Every day, I’m faced with what’s right in front of me: my work, my family at home and in other states, my health, and the health of others.
There is hardly enough time in the day to address every one of these areas. So, what about my friends—friends who live in different cities and states, friends who have their own families, jobs, and daily life activities? As I’m focused on the things in front of me, understandably, so are they.
As we age, our friendships don’t stay the same. It feels so different than it did 20 years ago when time spent with friends was so easy and effortless. My friends and I would spend more time talking on the phone, traveling, enjoying great food at restaurants, or shopping at malls. Then, it felt like those friends would always be with me. Some still are, and some aren’t.
It’s normal for friendships to change. Here are three common ways your friendships can change as you grow older.
1. Your priorities and commitments change
As you grow older, you begin to take on one responsibility after another. People in their 20s and 30s might start a family, focus on a career, and live independently. Life stages are not so uniform but highly diverse. As we grow older, we eventually become more understanding of these changes. Understanding that people experience different life stages at different times can help us empathize with one another. This also enables us to offer support and advice. In this way, your friendships can become stronger even if you have less time to dedicate to them.
2. Your inner circle gets smaller
As you age, time becomes a precious resource you can only delegate to your most important priorities. As you sort these priorities out, you might lose certain friendships—sometimes because you don’t have enough time or because they don’t. It’s very natural for a friendship to reach an end naturally.
Over time, your inner circle—those with whom you share most of your life—will get smaller. When you choose positive, kind, and supportive friends, you’ll have friends to share your life with. The people we choose to surround ourselves with impact our perspectives and experiences—and our choices in friends can help us grow as individuals.
3. Your friendships get more complex
Friendships change over time for the simple reason that people change over time. How we spend our time and what we need from friends when we are teenagers or young single adults is different from what we enjoy and need from social connections when we are older.
As you grow older, your personal values become much more apparent. When you are younger, you may make friends with those with the same interests as you. But as you grow older, your values may precede liking similar things. As your group of friends gets smaller, you have the opportunity to know these close friends better and cultivate an even deeper connection with them.
After all, your hobbies, topics, and points of interest may change. If that’s all that connects you with others, then you may find your connection waning as you both grow and evolve. Discerning friendships you should keep versus those you should walk away from is also essential for personal growth. Accepting that you’re on different paths is a healthy life reality.
Today, my group of friends is the smallest it’s ever been. It’s not bad, and I have no regrets about it. I think it’s one of those realizations that only comes with time. Often, the older we get, the more challenging life becomes. Severe illness, death, children, separations—all things that come throughout life, but not everything that everyone around you can be there and support you with.
Though friendships may become more challenging to maintain, making them a priority and enjoying fulfilling, mutually rewarding relationships is possible. I understand we all have separate lives, so we will never have as much time to spend together as we used to.
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”
~Elizabeth Foley~
