Our sweet little girl, Novena Joy, just turned one year old.
We went to Texas for her birthday because her Lola (grandmother) wanted to throw her a grandiose birthday party that was supposed to be family only. Somehow the party ended up being with 60 of Lola’s friends from her community. We are ever so thankful for the love, delicious food and party but we are also so glad to be back in Columbia; our sweet little home with our crazy dog.
As I watched my little one cry in horror at her birthday cake (she hates fruit and all sweet things) I couldn’t help but giggle that a year ago she cried her way into the world three weeks early, weighing just five pounds. It’s hard to believe that she is one already and that she weights 23 pounds now!
I pushed Novena out in seventeen minutes and sometimes I think that this year was quicker than her delivery, and sometimes just as painful. This year has been everything I’ve wanted and nothing I’ve ever wanted, but am so glad to have had the honor of learning to be a mom with her.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my first year as a mom. I’ve had some incredible moments and have also made a ton of mistakes. There are never ending videos of moms who are glamorous, work full time, mom full time, side hustle full time and still have time to make an incredible supper. My victories include just being able to shower for the day and keep Novena alive.
As I look back on this past year, there are several things I wish someone would have told me before I had Novena. Mainly that it’s okay…It’s okay not to do things perfectly. That it’s okay to do things however it works best for you, not according to someone else’s standard. And that whatever feelings you are having are perfectly valid.
I wish someone would have told me “it’s okay” before I had a baby.
It’s okay…if you don’t enjoy pregnancy.
I did not have the best pregnancy. I was nauseous and could only stomach eating Pop Tarts and potato chips for a majority of my pregnancy. I felt awful and looked awful. People often say to pregnant women “You’ve never looked more beautiful.” I never heard that.
I had about a two week reprieve from feeling miserable and then my glucose and blood pressure shot up and it became blood work, extra checkups, medication, and more nausea. My fear and anxiety hit an all time high as I was also labeled high risk because I was considered geriatric and obese. People close to me have stories of losing their baby during pregnancy, and that was my fear. I did not like being pregnant.
Yes, I knew that I had the blessing of carrying life in my belly but it was not as glamorous as people make it out to be. I’ve learned that it’s okay to dislike being pregnant. I’m hearing more stories now that I am not alone in those feelings. It’s okay to dislike pregnancy but still be thankful for that stage of life. It doesn’t mean that you will be a bad mom. Your feelings are valid. It’s so easy to get caught up in the facade of perfection because of what’s seen on social media but it is so important to live our personal best daily.
It’s okay…to feed your baby formula.
I’ve learned that “fed is best.” I thought I was going to be a pumping machine. I got some cute lactation bras, an awesome pump, some extra bottles. I was ready. However, my body said I wasn’t. I was able to breastfeed for a few days, but my supply couldn’t keep up with the demand. She could latch but nothing was coming out.
I tried pumping for three months and, at most, was only able to produce 8 oz in a day. So we supplemented with formula early on. I saw a lactation consultant. I took a plethora of vitamins and supplements and ate nothing but oats and sourdough, drank gallons of water a day, as well as pumped every hour for 20 minutes.
I tried anything I thought would help but it all ended up making me feel more like a failure of a mom because I couldn’t provide breast milk. It also made it harder when all I saw was videos of women who were running out of storage space in their freezer with breast milk.
At one of Novena’s early appointments, I was talking to her doctor about some issues with sleep and the doctor replied with, “She probably just needs to eat more.” My heart broke and I felt knots in my stomach. I had failed this tiny human being who just wanted to eat. It was then that we made the decision to completely switch to formula.
Shortly after that, I found that things seemed to get a lot easier as Novena was able to sleep better. I was able to sleep better too. I had more energy, felt more patient and overall felt like I became better for her, my husband and myself. It’s okay that I wasn’t able to breastfeed and pump. It does not make me a terrible mom. I tried my hardest with pumping but my best was to feed my daughter and to make sure she was well.
My daughter is happy, healthy, beautiful and full of so much joy. Feed your baby. It’s okay if things turn out a little differently than expected. Grieve the change as much as you need to but don’t live in it.
Remember, it’s okay…
It’s okay to get the epidural. It’s okay to go completely natural. It’s okay to birth your baby however you desire. It’s okay if your plans completely change. It’s okay for your baby to sleep with you and it’s okay if you want them to sleep in their own room. It’s okay to be so excited and so scared. (Shout out to Jessie from Saved by the Bell on caffeine pills.)
There are reasons why you feel the way that you do. It’s okay. Your feelings are valid.
This first year has been wild and I know the adventures will only continue. I am not perfect but in this year I am learning to be more patient with myself and to show more grace to others, and especially myself in this wonderful life change.
Dear friend, my hope for you is that you do the same. Have as much patience, love and care for yourself as you would extend to your children, friends and family. Feel your feelings. However you feel, it’s valid and you are not alone.
