On October 11, 2021 we had a perfect baby girl through a smooth delivery (as smooth as it can go as an anxious new mom!), and we were welcomed into parenthood. I was hopeful, eager, excited, and nervous as I began my breastfeeding journey. But my eager and exciting feeding feelings quickly turned into anxiety within the next 24 hours…Our baby was perfectly healthy but would fall asleep when she was feeding and quickly lost weight. I recall the young nurse telling us we would not be able to go home unless we had a plan for how we were going to feed her. I freshly postpartum in a fog of emotions and feelings, and when she said that it hit me hard.
Why was this so difficult? Shouldn’t breastfeeding come naturally?
I took the breastfeeding classes and felt prepared for nursing and feeding. I never expected to have a baby that had issues with feeding but here we were. We were willing to do anything. After meetings with lactation consultants, pumping, hand expressing, and nursing, we were discharged from the hospital.
We made it home and thought we were in the clear, but…
Our journey was anything but easy, and the following day we made it to our first pediatrician appointment, late of course (give yourself more than enough time and grace because you too may be late!). Our girl had lost MORE weight. We were triple feeding and were told it still wasn’t enough. My stomach sank and nausea began to settle in. We were told to try fortifying the milk. Nursing, pumping, bottle feeding, and putting formula in the pumped milk bottle, all to get her to gain weight. We would try that and come back in a few days.
This continued for the next month of her life. I still shutter going to the pediatrician in anticipation that I am doing something wrong. I began pumping more and more to keep track of every ounce she was receiving, and every time I would get my pump out I would feel that pit in my stomach again; nausea, anxiety, panic. Am I enough? Will I produce enough? What is wrong with my milk that it isn’t providing?
Our girl eventually started gaining weight and I assumed our nursing days were over. So much work, so much stress, but finally she was gaining weight and I accepted that I was an exclusive pumper. Although she was gaining weight, I still felt so sick when pumping, the nausea was almost unbearable. I was embarrassed that when my precious newborn cried I had to leave the room because I felt so sick. I couldn’t hold her to comfort her in fear I would be sick. The mom guilt was real.
I spoke to my doctor and the pediatrician and was given medication to help but I was still baffled by the fact that I was so sick. It would only happen when I started to pump then it would go away. I attributed it to stress in those first few weeks but it never got better, even when we were finally not at the doctor every other day.
So, I took to the internet and discovered DMER. DMER is Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. This is a condition that leads to intense feelings when you have a milk let down, or begin pumping. I finally felt like I wasn’t crazy; that it wasn’t just in my head, but a very real condition that others had too. Why didn’t I learn that in my breastfeeding course?
I now could put a name to what I was feeling and felt some relief knowing that I was normal. Eventually, it did improve overtime but it definitely wasn’t easy. I began taking supplements and making sure I had eaten before I began pumping, and soon enough I started nursing again too.
I fed our first until she was 13 months old. I knew breastfeeding was a journey but never anticipated the intense sickness and the initial struggle. For my first Mother’s Day, my husband gifted me a Milk + Honey breastmilk keepsake necklace, one I will cherish forever. All the hard work in one beautiful milk stone.
Fast forward to today. We had our second baby in December, fully anticipating the struggles, sickness, weight loss, and stress. I purchased formula, supplements, pulled out the anti-nausea medicine, washed all the bottles. I was prepared this time around. I also gave myself permission to feed my baby however was best for me, whether that be formula, breast milk, or donor milk. I would not suffer like I did before and if it didn’t work out that was OK.
Come to find out our second baby somehow knew exactly what to do from the very beginning. She had minor weight loss but no where near what our first had and we have continued to nurse. I have also been able to donate pumped milk to local NICU babies and I am happy to say I have no DMER this time around.
So no two journeys, or even babies, are the same. If you are struggling with your breastfeeding journey, don’t lose hope, give yourself grace, and above all, know that you are not alone and that YOU know exactly what is best for you and your baby.
