I took my daughter to see “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret” in the theater when it released. While some scenes in the film are clearly dated for the time period in which it was set, there is a set of scenes which holds true regardless of era: the bra shopping scenes.
From Margaret’s demand to go bra shopping, to the embarrassment of department store measuring, and disappointment with the options available, some things have not really changed much over time. This experience is one you could have today, with your daughter, or you could choose a different path.
Bra shopping with your daughter often boils down to a few questions. When is the right time to go bra shopping? What size and style of bra should we choose? And where do we go? Let’s break each of these down.
When is the right time to go bra shopping?
This is obviously going to vary from girl to girl. I will say, if she asks for a bra, that’s the time – like many things, bras have changed a lot in the last 20 years and there are options out there that are completely appropriate even for the younger and less developed girls that can assuage her desire for bra and not make you feel as if your little girl is growing up too fast.
If your daughter is not asking, but you notice she appears uncomfortable in her clothes, while running or exercising, that might be your time to suggest bra shopping. It doesn’t have to be an embarrassing and fraught experience, and I promise there are options out there that will suit every girl.
What size bra should we choose?
Let’s start with size. If you are checking out the bras in the kid’s section of Walmart or Target, the sizes generally correlate with clothing sizes (Small, Medium, Large, Extra-Large). This works well for those individuals just beginning to develop.
I would also suggest actually measuring your daughter. This can be accomplished in the privacy and comfort of your home with a soft tape measure, and is easy enough that she can do this herself, with supervision, if that makes it more comfortable for her.
You might be saying “I know how to measure for a bra!” and that might be true – but it is also true that more than half of women wear the wrong size bra, so it is entirely possible that a refresher on bra measuring basics would be helpful.
Band size is easy: You are just measuring around the rib cage, as snugly as possible. Depending on your child, you will likely get a number in the 20-30″ range, possibly as high as 36″ depending on your daughter’s age and overall size. If you are getting a number less than 30″, shopping in the kids’ section is your best bet. If your daughter is measuring 32″-36″ – especially in the 34″-36″ range (or more) – she may be more comfortable in the adult section.
Bust size: Here we are measuring at the fullest part of the bust, typically across the nipple line. Generally when we are measuring here, we are not looking to get as snug as possible – we want her to be comfortable and also allow some room for fluctuations. Especially if your daughter has started her period, you will want to let her know that fluctuations to this measurement are normal depending on where she is in her cycle.
Each inch of difference between band and bust is a cup size. So if your daughter measured 28″ as her band size and 30″ around the bust – this two inch difference is equal to a B cup.
Where to shop?
I don’t necessarily mean which store. First, you may want to lean into whether you are shopping in the kids’ section – a.k.a. training bras – or if you need to steer yourself to the adult bra section. You are best guided to which section of the store depending on which size range your daughter falls into.
If at all possible, I recommend to start this adventure with in-person shopping. Not merely because trying on things is helpful, but also it will help you get a sense of what she likes. Are there fabrics she gravitates towards? Are there styles she doesn’t care for? Does she prefer pull over your head varieties or ones with clasps? Much of this is harder to determine with online shopping.
As a mom of one daughter and an aunt of five nieces all close in age, another difficulty with online shopping is the sheer volume of choice. It’s overwhelming for many adults, and even more so for kids. Once you narrow down what she likes in person, it’s a lot easier to shop online, especially if you are looking for a good deal.
If your daughter is still fairly narrow at the ribcage and is in anything smaller than a B cup, the kids’ section is perfect for a place to start. Walmart, Target, Kohl’s – any brick and mortar department store – will have at least a few options to start with.
If your daughter has progressed beyond the sizes available in the kids’ section, you are going to want to change course and go towards the grown-up section. While you can find good options in many of the same stores, you may also want to have a look in Dillard’s, Belk, or any other department store with a more robust lingerie section. Personally, I am a big fan of Dillard’s. They still offer in-person measuring should you want anyone to double-check the size you think your daughter should be wearing. They also offer many excellent quality brands not available everywhere.
I know we are mostly talking about bra shopping from an early stage point of view, but if you have a daughter that needs a bra outside of more basic sizing (anything higher than a D) Dillard’s has many great options by a variety of quality brands. I speak from personal experience, as I’ve been every cup size from DD to G between weight fluctuations, pregnancy, and nursing, and I know how hard it can be to find a good bra when your bust is not the typical size.
Once you’ve figured out your daughter’s size and the style(s) she prefers from your in-person adventures, you can check out online options. There is always Amazon, of course. Herroom.com has a fantastic return policy and a plethora of brands, sorting features, and more. I have not used them personally, but options like thirdlove.com and bleuetgirl.com get rave reviews. Thirdlove due to it’s variety of sizes, including half sizes, and bleuetgirl due to the niche for preteen and teen bras that are comfortable and cute.
What style of bra to choose?
This is really a very personal decision, and why I recommend taking your daughter to look at – and touch – bras in person. If you are a mother reading this, you are no stranger to wearing bras. You have first hand experience how uncomfortable they can be.
I don’t recommend anyone starting with underwire. In fact, I make it a point to avoid it as long as humanly possible. While I am not convinced underwire is quite the death trap some of the internet research would have us believe, I think it is rather obvious that it is the most uncomfortable of choices. I know for many of us, once we get used to underwire – how we look in it as well as how it feels to wear it – it is a challenge to wear anything else. Wire-free just doesn’t look or feel the same. So I say, avoid it as long as you can.
Wires aside, what’s next?
For those just starting out, pull over your head styles are probably the easiest. These come in sports varieties with thicker, moisture wicking fabric and thinner styles you may be familiar with called a bralette. You may see some of the traditional adjustable straps, and other bras will have racerback styles. Consider what activities your daughter will be doing as well where she is in her development. Growing girls tend to be sensitive (literally – not just emotionally) and she may want more support if she’s playing sports.
On the other hand, not everyone likes the compression that sports bras tend to offer, and a bralette style may be more her speed. You will want to consider how comfortable she is showing her bra straps, and what style of clothes she typically wears. Racerback styles can be challenging to conceal under some shirts and tank tops, however some girls don’t like the feel and fussiness of adjustable straps.
Fabric is also a major consideration. Many individuals struggle with sensitivity when it comes to things like seams, tags, and certain materials. There are, thankfully, a growing number of seamless, tagless options which make wearing a bra more bearable. Beyond the “prettiness” factor, many people also struggle with fabrics such as lace since it can be itchy. Many bras are made of fabrics that aren’t particularly breathable, which can also be a concern for some.
Everyone has something that checks a “yay!” or “nay!” box when it comes to bras. My pet peeve when it comes to bras: removable pads. Either sew them in or leave them out altogether. Otherwise they come out in the wash every. single. time. Not to mention, they never look quite the same when reinstalled in the bra they popped out of in the wash.
Your daughter will develop her list of must-haves when it comes to bras, and it may be very different from your own, and they may change over time. The girl who used to refuse to wear anything but the most basic camisole style bra can become the girl who feels she needs bras in every color and variety imaginable, and vice versa, especially once she zeroes in on what she likes.
Like many things, this is not going to be a singular experience; you will likely need to revisit this more often than you’d care to. Her tastes will change, her size will change, bras will wear out or break. It gets easier, and soon she will be shopping on her own.
Final Thoughts
What it all boils down to:
Take your daughter shopping in person. She needs to feel the fabrics, see the full 360 degrees of the options available, and try some on. You may want to make this a special Big Deal sort of event with a special dinner or treat. Your daughter may prefer that it not be – that it is just part of a normal, chill day with mom (or grandma or auntie). You may even want to outsource this, and honestly, why not? If this feels way out of your comfort zone, and you have a friend or sister or mom with a great bond with your kid, let them take the reins.
Maybe you are a single dad reading this, or another caregiver that feels way out of the loop. Take advantage of your village. I can almost guarantee there is someone in your circle that loves this stuff. I am fully of the opinion that the more people that love our kids, the better. Especially as we head into the teen years where our kids may not feel as confident talking with mom or dad about everything. But other trusted adults can be an really important part of their growing up and finding footholds in young adulthood.
