As writers, we constantly share and put ourselves out there on this website, and always in the hope that we reach just one other person who can say, “Girl, yes!” With that in mind, I want to share some ways my hubby and I are working on reconnecting in our relationship.
Marriage requires work. Sure, it’s full of love and memories and mushy stuff, but when you get right down to it, you have to work to make it, well, work. Without sharing too much, I will share that after eight years together, five and a half years married, and three children, our marriage reached a point where we were having more arguments than hugs, and it was becoming difficult to imagine that whole ’til death do us part thing. We started taking small steps that made a huge impact for us, and I want to share them with you.
1. Therapy
We tried couple’s therapy for the first time, something we were both very hesitant to do. We used Talkspace, an online option. Our arguments were heated, so using this medium to type to one another helped us to not respond defensively or in anger or with words we would regret. We could type, then retype with less hate, and get feedback on a pretty constant basis.
Honestly, this wasn’t the most effective thing for our relationship, but the positive is that we got it ALL out there. We pushed every bit of resentment forward in a way we hadn’t done before. Identifying our problems really shined a light on where we needed to focus our attention.
2. Books
As a librarian, naturally, I turned to books for help. I checked out two books by John Gottman. And ironically, my husband found a blog he liked and began to read…a blog based on John Gottman’s principles. His methods are about the science of relationships and people, and that resonated with both of us.
We started to play the games in the books to reconnect. My husband surprised me by knowing much more about me than I gave him credit for, and we shared a lot by speaking the shared language we found in what we were reading. We also found a lot of very useful tips about how to communicate, what language to avoid, and how to support one another.
3. Language
Speaking of language, we changed the way we talk to each other. In one of the books I read it stated that the way we greet our spouse first thing in the morning or when they walk in the door, sets the tone for whatever follows. If you had a hard day and you greet the kids excitedly and give your spouse the side eye, your spouse feels that and notices and will respond accordingly. I’m terrible at scooping up my little with kisses and excitement and ignoring my husband. I hadn’t thought about how that might feel, but I do now.
4. Let’s Get Physical
I can’t believe I’m writing about this, but honestly, it makes such a difference. We tried for 30 days in a row to make time for intimacy. Our days are so full with work and toddler routines and working out, that by the time the kiddo is asleep, I. am. spent. And so is my husband. He’s a night owl, and I’m an early bird, and we forgot to make time for just the two of us and our relationship.
So just the smallest bit of physical contact every single day made us feel so much more in sync. And I don’t mean a quick hug or pat on the behind. Get next to each other and wrap around and stay there for a few. Maybe you just fall asleep together. Maybe sleep is the last thing on your mind, if ya know what I mean. Find a few minutes to physically occupy the same space every day, and then keep up the habit.
5. Date Nights
My husband and I started going out on dates every other Thursday night. We scheduled a sitter with a standing appointment, and we didn’t cancel. A few months later, and we’re planning more staycations where our little gets spoiled at a sleepover with nana, and we get a night to be husband and wife, and not mom and dad. Although we always end up spending most of the time talking about our children, we don’t have Paw Patrol on the television in the background.
The Result
None of these ideas are necessarily groundbreaking, and there are still moments where we have to detach and reset in our marriage. But we are working on being more kind, more forgiving, more patient, and more understanding. We treat our little that way–with patience when he doesn’t understand us, with kindness when he needs extra help, and with calm care when he’s having a tantrum.
Remembering to give each other the same grace and being intentional about our time together is really working for our relationship. I hope it works for you too. It’s hard, and honestly, every marriage won’t work out. I’m not here to tell you to tell you what is right for your family, just sharing what is working for us in this moment in case someone out there needs to hear it.
